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Things to Come
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 In the year 2020, this
country will be hard to recognize. But by extrapolating from current trends,
we can make a few safe predictions:
 We
will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green and a pierced tongue. His vice president will be
a transsexual. Conservatives will call for a return to the standards of Bill
Clinton.
The
election will be decided when the Republican candidate, already trailing badly,
admits having smoked a cigarette in college. And inhaling.
A baseball
hit by Mark McGwire in The U.S.
Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie Cochran, will rule unanimously
that hate speech — such as pedophobia (disapproval of pedophilia)
— is not protected by the First Amendment. The president will appoint
a National Commission on Pedophobia to investigate the “scourge of
pedophobia” and to tabulate pedophobic incidents.
The sports
world will buzz with unfounded rumors that Michael Jordan plans to retire at
the end of the season.
The
Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change the name of Ronald Reagan
National Airport to Janet Reno National Airport.
The owner
of a major-league baseball team will issue a tearful apology for suggesting
that some cultures are different from others. Mollified minority spokesmen
will retract threats to kill him.
![[Breaker quote for Things to Come: The way things are going now ...]](2007breakers/070814.gif) Federal
Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a hike in prime interest rates, saying,
“I’ve always wanted to announce a hike in prime interest rates,
whatever that means.” He will reverse himself too late to prevent an
international stock market collapse, adding, “Some people can’t
take a joke.”
Only one
live actor will be nominated for an Academy Award. All the other movies
made that year will have starred computer-generated dinosaurs, except for
those featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
As the
president and Congress celebrate a balanced budget, the national debt
reaches $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president will
soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, “We owe it to
ourselves, plus a few foreign bankers.”
Bob Dole
will make several appearances on a late-night talk show hosted by Leonardo
DiCaprio. Each will remark on how well the other is aging.
On another
network, Jay Leno will mark an important milestone with his 10,000th Viagra
joke. This occasion will be marred by the explosion of Leno’s
simmering feud with Johnny Carson, who will scoff, “That’s
nothing. I did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes.”
Attorney
General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that the Justice Department is
finally dropping its antitrust action against Microsoft.
Congress
will promise to reform the Internal Revenue Service after IRS agents are
found collecting ears of taxpayers as trophies.
A
111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported as a war criminal.
In a historic
ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, upholding a federal law banning slingshots, will
declare the Second Amendment unconstitutional.
A national
controversy will erupt when a porn film star, during a live White House
performance, utters an ethnic slur.
Most of the
population will be glued to the television set as Jerry Springer’s
historic final show is broadcast. Special guests will include a former
president and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.
Joseph Sobran |
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| Copyright © 2007 by the
Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation. This column may not be reprinted in print or Internet publications without express permission of the Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation |
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