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 Things to Come 


August 14, 2007 
 
[Originally published by the Universal Press Syndicate, May 26, 1998]
paragraph 
indentIn the year 2020, this country will be hard to recognize. But by extrapolating from current trends, we can make a few safe predictions:

paragraph indentToday's column is "Things to Come" -- Read Joe's columns the day he writes them.We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green and a pierced tongue. His vice president will be a transsexual. Conservatives will call for a return to the standards of Bill Clinton.

paragraph indentThe election will be decided when the Republican candidate, already trailing badly, admits having smoked a cigarette in college. And inhaling.

paragraph indentA baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June 1998 will land.

paragraph indentThe U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie Cochran, will rule unanimously that hate speech — such as pedophobia (disapproval of pedophilia) — is not protected by the First Amendment. The president will appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to investigate the “scourge of pedophobia” and to tabulate pedophobic incidents.

paragraph indentThe sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors that Michael Jordan plans to retire at the end of the season.

paragraph indentThe Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change the name of Ronald Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno National Airport.

paragraph indentThe owner of a major-league baseball team will issue a tearful apology for suggesting that some cultures are different from others. Mollified minority spokesmen will retract threats to kill him.

[Breaker quote for Things to Come: The way things are going now ...]paragraph indentFederal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a hike in prime interest rates, saying, “I’ve always wanted to announce a hike in prime interest rates, whatever that means.” He will reverse himself too late to prevent an international stock market collapse, adding, “Some people can’t take a joke.”

paragraph indentOnly one live actor will be nominated for an Academy Award. All the other movies made that year will have starred computer-generated dinosaurs, except for those featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.

paragraph indentAs the president and Congress celebrate a balanced budget, the national debt reaches $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president will soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, “We owe it to ourselves, plus a few foreign bankers.”

paragraph indentBob Dole will make several appearances on a late-night talk show hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each will remark on how well the other is aging.

paragraph indentOn another network, Jay Leno will mark an important milestone with his 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion will be marred by the explosion of Leno’s simmering feud with Johnny Carson, who will scoff, “That’s nothing. I did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes.”

paragraph indentAttorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that the Justice Department is finally dropping its antitrust action against Microsoft.

paragraph indentCongress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue Service after IRS agents are found collecting ears of taxpayers as trophies.

paragraph indentA 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported as a war criminal.

paragraph indentIn a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, upholding a federal law banning slingshots, will declare the Second Amendment unconstitutional.

paragraph indentA national controversy will erupt when a porn film star, during a live White House performance, utters an ethnic slur.

paragraph indentMost of the population will be glued to the television set as Jerry Springer’s historic final show is broadcast. Special guests will include a former president and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.

Joseph Sobran

Copyright © 2007 by the Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation.
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