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 The Bimbo’s Day in Court 


March 2, 2006 
 
Neither of them could have imagined their romance leading to an eventual appearance before the U.S. Supreme Court. But as Shakespeare says, “Who can control his fate?”

It was love at first sight. He, J. Howard Marshall, was an 89-year old Texas multibillionaire, or polybillionaire, recently widowed; she, Anna Nicole Smith, was a voluptuous-and-then-some stripper basking in his admiration. And as Woody Allen Today's column is "TKTKTK" -- Read Joe's columns the day he writes them.has said, “The heart wants what it wants.”

He murmured the magic words: “Me Dante, you Beatrice.” Soon — perhaps inevitably — they were united in holy wedlock. A year later, Mr. Marshall was a goner. He may have expired blissfully, like one of those amorous Australian spiders who, though fully realizing that his first love must end in his being devoured by the object of his passion, nevertheless says, “What the heck. You only live once anyway.”

Today, 11 years later, the widow Marshall, still in the full bloom of bimbohood, is contesting her late husband’s will, which, she says, he had promised to change before the Grim Reaper did its stuff. But since she has no witnesses to corroborate her version, lower courts have upheld the will, which leaves his fortune to his son, E. Pierce Marshall.

So the younger Marshall, age 67, must try to portray the 38-year-old plaintiff as his wicked stepmother, which may be quite a trick. Mrs. Marshall bears little superficial resemblance to any wicked stepmother I know of.

Though she was once a Playmate of the Year, I first saw her in a movie, fully clothed. Or as close to fully clothed as she usually gets. Even so, she was quite an eyeful. (One of her costars was O.J. Simpson, so we can probably rule out a sequel.)

If you think you have successfully shielded your son from deplorable cultural influences, ask him if the name Anna Nicole Smith rings a bell and just watch his reaction. Probably only the Pope could answer with an honest “No.” We are talking, after all, about the Jayne Mansfield of this generation.

I have no dog, or bitch, in this fight, and I am trying to be strictly impartial. Marshall has a strong legal case, but his stepmother can pose two commonsense questions, both of which will be hard to rebut: Why do you think the old man married her, anyway? And why do you think she married him, anyway?

[Breaker quote for The Bimbo's Day in Court: The appeal of Anna Nicole Smith]Refreshingly, the widow has spared us that tedious cliché, “It’s not about the money.” Not to make light of her bereavement, but this is one fully focused bimbo. Even at the advanced age of 38, in her widow’s weeds, she appears more than a match for any bimbo in my (very, very) limited experience. And the Washington Post reports that she also has “a powerful backer”: President Bush. I don’t follow his reasoning, if any, but there it is.

Now it’s up to the Court. Yes, a Texas probate court has already ruled against her, but it may be hard for the justices, eight of whom are male, to give due weight to the principle of stare decisis, and the image of Justice as a blindfolded woman seems singularly inapt here. The smart money is on an 8-to-1 ruling, depending on the sexual orientation of some of the liberals. (You know who you are.)

The case has already been described as “historic.” And so it is. This will be the first time millions of Americans have ever seen Anna Nicole Smith fully clothed.

It’s easy, and irresistible, to joke about her. With all that makeup and the Texas Republican hairdo, she looks like a caricature, a female impersonator’s idea of feminine pulchritude. As Dolly Parton used to ask, “Do you realize how much it costs to look this cheap?”

But photographed without much makeup and with her honey-blonde hair straight, Anna is just a startlingly pretty woman, almost innocent-looking. Why would she think she can improve on her natural beauty with the disguise of artifice?

That’s a question many women should ask themselves. Didn’t God make you beautiful enough? I can only pity the ones who think they need lots of lipstick, mascara, silicone, and other extravagant trappings of bimbosity to enhance what nature makes so well. Look your best — as long as you still look like yourself! That’s what I say, and I’ll bet most men would agree with me.

But if you want a man who loves silicone, I’m afraid that’s probably the man you’ll wind up getting.

Joseph Sobran

Copyright © 2006 by the Griffin Internet Syndicate,
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