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How to Handle a Woman
 How
do you get to first base with the ladies? It may
be easy if you’re as dashing and dynamic as my old friend Taki. He is
still handsome, athletic, fearless, and funny after all these years, and is
married to one of the most beautiful women this side of Helen of
Troy.  But
what about us ordinary mortals? Is there any hope for us?
Good news, guys! The encouraging
answer is a resounding yes. The secrets of success with women are laid out
clearly in an old play called Richard III.
It was originally published
anonymously in 1597 and later ascribed to someone called “William
Shakespeare” (not his real name). The title page read quaintly
THE TRAGEDY OF King Richard the third, with the arresting
subtitle Containing, His treacherous Plots against his brother
Clarence: the pittiefull murther of his innocent nephewes: his tyrannicall
vsurpation: with the whole course of his detested life, and most deserued
death.
That gives you some idea of the
plot, though I think it’s a little judgmental and apt to prejudice the
reader. It also leaves out Richard’s winning ways with the fair sex.
In the second scene, Richard
interrupts the funeral procession of King Henry VI to woo the mourning Lady
Anne. Not only does this seem an inauspicious occasion to begin a courtship
— so inauspicious that I wonder if even Taki could bring it off; but
Richard himself has killed the deceased, as well as Lady Anne’s late
husband. So he has several strikes against him, apart from bad timing. In
addition, he is an ugly hunchback.
Lady Anne serves notice that
he’s facing an uphill fight when she screams, “Blush, blush, thou
lump of foul deformity!” At this point most men would take the hint.
When she goes on to call Richard a devil, a toad, a diffused infection of a
man, a hedgehog, a homicide, and a dissembler, and then spits in his face and
tells him to hang himself, the warning signs are hard to miss.
![[Breaker quote for How to Handle a Woman: Some time-tested tips]](2006breakers/060117.gif) For
most of us, such expressions as “lump of foul
deformity” (which I personally would reserve for someone like Franklin
D. Roosevelt) are apt to touch secret insecurities. Coming from a woman we
are attracted to, they may cause us to get discouraged, to sulk and brood,
or to react defensively. This is especially true if we suspect there is a grain
of truth in them. During my teens, I used to wilt every time a girl called me
that — until I discovered Richard.
Richard is not one to be put off by
a huffy reception. Maybe his disability has inured him to initial rejections by
the fair sex. Or maybe he thinks that whatever her lips may call him, her
eyes are saying, Yes, yes. Or maybe, in traditional masculine fashion, he
reckons it’s just the wrong time of the month with her. Whatever the
reason, he hangs in there, ignoring the verbal abuse, pouring on the
sweet-talk, and trusting that she just needs to be exposed to his finer
qualities to see the sensitive human being behind the hump.
Richard replies to her insults by
calling her “divine perfection of a woman.” He explains that he
killed her husband only “to help thee to a better husband”
— himself. Her first reaction to this is to spit, naturally; but still,
it’s not a line she hears from all the guys.
Well, by now you’ve guessed
the rest. If you’ve seen other plays by “Shakespeare,”
you’ll recognize the formula: the guy who perseveres gets the girl.
Petruchio needs determination to tame Kate the Shrew, Benedick has to put
up with Beatrice’s sharp tongue, and the sharp bantering leads to true
love in the end. For a “Shakespeare” hero, being called a lump of
foul deformity can be the beginning of a lasting relationship. But only
if he refuses to throw in the towel.
Sure enough, the Lady Anne
relents — cosi fan tutte — and winds up as
Richard’s queen. Bygones are bygones, and Richard gets on with the
business of dealing with his nephews and other obstacles to success. The
same determination that has conquered the Lady Anne serves him well in his
other endeavors.
True, the marriage is somewhat
troubled. But “Shakespeare” can take you only so far;
he’s good on wooing, but after the wedding vows, you’re on
your own. Marriage counseling is beyond his scope.
Joseph Sobran |
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| Copyright © 2006 by the
Griffin Internet Syndicate, a division of Griffin Communications This column may not be reprinted in print or Internet publications without express permission of Griffin Internet Syndicate 
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