The New JFK 

Just like that, the Dean ballyhoo is over. The ballyhooed Iowa caucuses have come and gone, and it’s time for the Kerry ballyhoo.

Oh, how exciting it is, this hoss race for the Democratic presidential nomination! Howard Dean was the front-runner for ever so long, without having won anything; and now that he’s badly flunked his first real test, losing by an embarrassing margin to John Kerry and finishing way behind even the unballyhooed John (who?) Edwards, the media have some serious adjusting to do.

Now they have to explain the hitherto unnoticed charisma of John F. (at least I think it’s F) Kerry, the mournful-faced New Englander who looks as if he was cloned from weepy Ed Muskie, though, being a Democrat from Massachusetts, he naturally prefers to be known as JFK.

What a comeback! Only days ago, the coroners were sadly shaking their heads over poor Kerry’s carcass, knowingly explaining his early expiration. Now they must knowingly explain why his vitality and appeal were so badly underrated, as if they knew it all along.

Meanwhile, Dr. Dean is crowing, “I’m delighted to finish in the top three. On to New Hampshire!” That’s the spirit! Act as if that miserable finish were a wonderful surprise. This guy could play King Lear for comedy.

Well, the Democrats have been looking for a new JFK for a generation, and they’ve finally got one. He may not have a rich father, but he has a rich wife who can buy him all the charisma he needs. And like the other JFK, he’s a decorated war hero. His position on the latest war is a little fuzzy, but the Republican chicken hawks will have a hard time painting him as a worse coward than George W. Bush.

The Iowa results also come as a shockeroo to the Democrat big shots who have been putting their chips on Dean and Gen. Wesley Clark. Suddenly Al Gore and the Clintons no longer look like kingmakers. These distinguished public servants have suffered a terrible diminution, along with Dick Gephardt and that erstwhile conscience of the party, Joe Lieberman.

It may be premature to count Al Sharpton out, but if Iowa wasn’t exactly his home turf, let’s face it, neither is New Hampshire. He always does best in long, hot summers, and an endorsement from Tawana Brawley may not be enough to pull him through a long, cold winter. Still, he’s not a man to be deterred by the scoffing of critics.

But whatever happens next, this is undeniably JFK’s moment. The Democrats are thrilled! They’ve waited so long for this! A savior who can unite the party against Bush! No baggage of women, draft-dodging, drugs, or scandal. No Mafia links. No sleazy real estate deals. No silly hippie past. None of Dean’s personal abrasiveness. He’s not a crook, he’s never inhaled, and as far as anyone knows he’s never been near Arkansas or laid eyes, let alone hands, on Gennifer Flowers.

The perfect resume! A Democrat who has never even been mentioned in The National Enquirer! Yes! Yes! Why didn’t we see it before?

Bush himself has been trying to do the JFK act, seeking a New Frontier in outer space — the moon, Mars, “a human presence across our solar system,” no less. But it isn’t very inspiring. Pretty tiresome by now, frankly. How many planets do we really need to conquer? Even spreading democracy on this one has lost its tang.

True, this JFK lacks magnetism. Many have considered him stolid and boring. But in due course the media will see the flip side of these qualities, which they will call “gravitas.” When you put it that way, it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Gravitas is soooo presidential.

And Bush ain’t got any. He is severely gravitas-impaired. It’s all his speechwriters can do to get him to speak in complete sentences. When he speaks English, you wonder what his first language was. You also wonder what you have to do to flunk out of Yale these days.

Sorry, Texas. Massachusetts is back.

Joseph Sobran