The English Insult
July 18, 2002
Majoring in English literature, which many
consider an impractical preparation for lifes struggles, had at
least one positive effect on me: it made me an incurable Anglophile. I
adore the English, not least for their way with the English language.
Space precludes an
exhaustive review of English literature, so I will concentrate on one
special aspect of it here: the English insult. The English have a fine
tradition of putting each other down, and unlike many other races they
manage to do it without dragging their mothers into it. Wives, yes; but
mothers are off-limits.
The English insult,
though often deadly, is genteel; the victim may not even feel the blade
going in. But he generally does. John Henry Cardinal Newman said that a
gentleman might be defined as one who never hurts anothers
feelings; Oscar Wilde amended the definition with a single adverb:
A gentleman is one who never hurts anothers feelings
unintentionally.
One of the most
famous is John Wilkess retort to the Earl of Sandwich, who
predicted that Wilkes would die either on the gallows or of a
loathsome disease. Wilkes instantly replied, That depends,
my lord, whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Wilkes was nothing if
not quick. A young man once said to him, Would you believe it? I
was born on midnight of January the first! Certainly I
believe it, Wilkes replied. You could only have been
conceived on April the first.
It used to
be a merry sport for boaters on the Thames River to insult each other as
they passed. Samuel Johnson replied to one such insult, Sir, your
wife, under pretense of keeping a bawdy-house, is a receiver of stolen
goods!
Johnsons wit
could leave bruises; he couldnt resist an opportunity for an insult,
even, at times, when the victim didnt deserve it. Upon leaving
church one Sunday morning, a companion observed that the sermon had
been excellent. That may be, Johnson replied, but it
is impossible that you should know it.
On another occasion, at
a small gathering, a young companion laughed so raucously at
Johnsons every witticism that Johnson finally said in annoyance,
What excites your risibility, sir? Have I said anything you
understand? If so, I ask pardon of the rest of the company.
Benjamin Disraeli, the
great Tory leader, and William Gladstone, the great Liberal, were
parliamentary antagonists, but Disraeli held a distinct edge in wit. Asked
to distinguish between a misfortune and a calamity, he said, If
Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If someone
pulled him out, that would be a calamity.
Another master of the
quick riposte was F.E. Smith, a brilliant lawyer. When a judge told him,
I have read your brief, and find myself none the wiser,
Smith rejoined, Possibly not, my lord, but far better
informed.
Smith once darted into
a posh mens club to relieve his bladder. As he emerged from the
loo, as they say, a butler asked him, Pardon me, sir, are you a
member of the club? Smith, feigning surprise, asked, Oh, is
there a club here too? (If that one takes you a moment, he was
implying that he regarded the august establishment only as a public urinal.
Smith was not only quick but subtle.)
Richard Brindsley
Sheridan, the playwright and politician, replied to an opponent in
Parliament, The honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for
his jests, and to his imagination for his facts. The same objection
has been raised against me, at times, but never so elegantly.
Winston Churchill was
renowned for his deadly wit in Parliament. He began a speech on the
military budget with a line from Virgil: Arma virumque
cano I sing of arms and men. The
opposition leader interrupted, Shouldnt that be translated,
I sing of arms and the man? Churchill paused,
staring at the man with imperious scorn: Little did I expect
assistance in a classical matter from such a quarter.
These are old
examples, but the great tradition of the English insult is very much alive.
A friend in London tells me of a recent instance; I hope Im quoting
it accurately. A speaker insolently told his audience that he was casting
pearls before swine. A heckler shouted, Fake
pearls! The speaker answered, But real swine!
Joseph Sobran
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