A Royal Makeover

March 13, 2001

A comedian in England, who boasts sub-Saharan progenitors, has caused an uproar by referring to Queen Elizabeth II as a “bitch.” When this proved offensive to the old stiff-upper-lip set, he apologized, explaining that it was just ghetto slang, no offense meant.

But the fact remains that a line has been crossed. The Royal Family can no longer count on receiving decorous respect, and it has brought this irreverence on itself. The English press has reveled in the many scandals of its recent princes and princesses. You may remember the frisky Princess Diana; but it didn’t start with her. Does the name Koo Stark ring a bell?

Her Majesty the queen has behaved with consistent dignity, but the other Royals have committed more than their share of what used to be called indiscretions. They can’t go on pretending nothing has changed since Queen Victoria’s time. We live, after all, in the twenty-first century.

Queen Elizabeth should abandon her stodgy style and speak like a normal person of her time. If her subjects are going to call her a “bitch,” she should throw tradition to the winds and address them as “you scum,” “you worthless lowlifes,” and “you bastards.”

For example, her next speech to the nation could begin: “Listen up, you bastards — and I mean that literally. Half of you don’t even know who your fathers were, and you’ve been sucking welfare all your lives. What the hell is it with you people, anyway? This used to be a decent little island, before the likes of you overran it. Yeah, I mean you, you immigrants — though the white people here aren’t what they used to be, either. I can’t do much about you at this point, but I don’t have to pretend this sewer runs with rosewater.” For good measure, she could sprinkle the speech with Joe Pesci’s favorite word, if you take my meaning.

That should get their attention. There’s no other way for the Royal Family to regain respect. Her Majesty is going to have to kick some butt. She needs to get down and dirty. She should also lose the fancy gowns and wear a pantsuit, like Hillary Clinton. The headgear has to go too. She could use one of those noserings modern girls flaunt. Or is the Royal Family “above” body-piercing?

She could even muss up her grammar a little. When dissed, she should snap back: “Who you callin’ bitch, ape-face?” And why not give her antagonist a royal finger, with a sharp reference to his mama?

I realize how radical this sounds. If you’ve read Shakespeare, you know that English monarchs have generally rebuked their uppity subjects with such epithets as “rogue,” “saucy knave,” and “miscreant.” The harshest epithet I’ve come across is “cream-faced loon.”

But these terms no longer draw blood. Only one in a hundred people in England nowadays even knows what a miscreant is, and it would be a stretch to call most of the immigrants cream-faced.

Back in the Middle Ages, strong men quaked when their monarchs addressed them as miscreants, and Sir John Falstaff was absolutely crushed when King Henry V called him a “fool and jester.” Falstaff had committed the unpardonable offense of publicly addressing the king as “thee.” He meant no harm by it, but Englishmen took nuances seriously in those days.

Not like now. Today you can call someone a name that implies he has committed incest on his maternal side, and he barely notices. In some neighborhoods the word is practically a pronoun. Thee-and-thou type language just bounces off such people. I know; I’ve tried it.

Today’s English rabble aren’t going to respect the queen until she can talk and act like a welfare queen. She could, if necessary, take some pointers from certain American congresswomen. If she wants to borrow them, we could easily spare them for a few months.

I don’t mean to cause trouble. These suggestions are tendered in a spirit of goodwill to all, the subjects as well as the Royals. After all, the people need to feel that their ruler can connect with them on their own level, verbally and emotionally. The old aloof act just doesn’t hack it anymore. A trash-talking queen would be just the thing.

Joseph Sobran