The Reactionary Utopian August 14, 2007 THINGS TO COME by Joe Sobran In the year 2020, this country will be hard to recognize. But by extrapolating from current trends, we can make a few safe predictions: We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green and a pierced tongue. His vice president will be a transsexual. Conservatives will call for a return to the standards of Bill Clinton. The election will be decided when the Republican candidate, already trailing badly, admits having smoked a cigarette in college. And inhaling. A baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June 1998 will land. The U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie Cochran, will rule unanimously that hate speech -- such as pedophobia (disapproval of pedophilia) -- is not protected by the First Amendment. The president will appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to investigate the "scourge of pedophobia" and to tabulate pedophobic incidents. The sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors that Michael Jordan plans to retire at the end of the season. The Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change the name of Ronald Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno National Airport. The owner of a major-league baseball team will issue a tearful apology for suggesting that some cultures are different from others. Mollified minority spokesmen will retract threats to kill him. Federal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a hike in prime interest rates, saying, "I've always wanted to announce a hike in prime interest rates, whatever that means." He will reverse himself too late to prevent an international stock market collapse, adding, "Some people can't take a joke." Only one live actor will be nominated for an Academy Award. All the other movies made that year will have starred computer-generated dinosaurs, except for those featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. As the president and Congress celebrate a balanced budget, the national debt reaches $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president will soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, "We owe it to ourselves, plus a few foreign bankers." Bob Dole will make several appearances on a late-night talk show hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each will remark on how well the other is aging. On another network, Jay Leno will mark an important milestone with his 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion will be marred by the explosion of Leno's simmering feud with Johnny Carson, who will scoff, "That's nothing. I did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes." Attorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that the Justice Department is finally dropping its antitrust action against Microsoft. Congress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue Service after IRS agents are found collecting ears of taxpayers as trophies. A 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported as a war criminal. In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, upholding a federal law banning slingshots, will declare the Second Amendment unconstitutional. A national controversy will erupt when a porn film star, during a live White House performance, utters an ethnic slur. Most of the population will be glued to the television set as Jerry Springer's historic final show is broadcast. Special guests will include a former president and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt. [This column was originally published by Universal Press Syndicate May 26, 1998.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Read this column on-line at "http://www.sobran.com/columns/2007/070814.shtml". Copyright (c) 2007 by the Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation. This column may not be published in print or Internet publications without express permission of Fitzgerald Griffin Foundation. You may forward it to interested individuals if you use this entire page, including the following disclaimer: "SOBRAN'S and Joe Sobran's columns are available by subscription. For details and samples, see http://www.sobran.com/e-mail.shtml, write FGF@vacoxmail.com, or call 800-513-5053."