The Reactionary Utopian
                     August 14, 2007

by Joe Sobran

     In the year 2020, this country will be hard to 
recognize. But by extrapolating from current trends, we 
can make a few safe predictions:

     We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green 
and a pierced tongue. His vice president will be a 
transsexual. Conservatives will call for a return to the 
standards of Bill Clinton.

     The election will be decided when the Republican 
candidate, already trailing badly, admits having smoked a 
cigarette in college. And inhaling.

     A baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June 
1998 will land.

     The U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie 
Cochran, will rule unanimously that hate speech -- such 
as pedophobia (disapproval of pedophilia) -- is not 
protected by the First Amendment. The president will 
appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to 
investigate the "scourge of pedophobia" and to tabulate 
pedophobic incidents.

     The sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors 
that Michael Jordan plans to retire at the end of the 

     The Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change 
the name of Ronald Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno 
National Airport.

     The owner of a major-league baseball team will issue 
a tearful apology for suggesting that some cultures are 
different from others. Mollified minority spokesmen will 
retract threats to kill him.

     Federal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a 
hike in prime interest rates, saying, "I've always wanted 
to announce a hike in prime interest rates, whatever that 
means." He will reverse himself too late to prevent an 
international stock market collapse, adding, "Some people 
can't take a joke."

     Only one live actor will be nominated for an Academy 
Award. All the other movies made that year will have 
starred computer-generated dinosaurs, except for those 
featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.

     As the president and Congress celebrate a balanced 
budget, the national debt reaches 
$1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president 
will soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, 
"We owe it to ourselves, plus a few foreign bankers."

     Bob Dole will make several appearances on a 
late-night talk show hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each 
will remark on how well the other is aging.

     On another network, Jay Leno will mark an important 
milestone with his 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion 
will be marred by the explosion of Leno's simmering feud 
with Johnny Carson, who will scoff, "That's nothing. I 
did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes."

     Attorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that 
the Justice Department is finally dropping its antitrust 
action against Microsoft.

     Congress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue 
Service after IRS agents are found collecting ears of 
taxpayers as trophies.

     A 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported 
as a war criminal.

     In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, 
upholding a federal law banning slingshots, will declare 
the Second Amendment unconstitutional.

     A national controversy will erupt when a porn film 
star, during a live White House performance, utters an 
ethnic slur.

     Most of the population will be glued to the 
television set as Jerry Springer's historic final show is 
broadcast. Special guests will include a former president 
and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.

[This column was originally published by Universal Press 
Syndicate May 26, 1998.]


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