The Reactionary Utopian
August 14, 2007
THINGS TO COME
by Joe Sobran
In the year 2020, this country will be hard to
recognize. But by extrapolating from current trends, we
can make a few safe predictions:
We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green
and a pierced tongue. His vice president will be a
transsexual. Conservatives will call for a return to the
standards of Bill Clinton.
The election will be decided when the Republican
candidate, already trailing badly, admits having smoked a
cigarette in college. And inhaling.
A baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June
1998 will land.
The U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie
Cochran, will rule unanimously that hate speech -- such
as pedophobia (disapproval of pedophilia) -- is not
protected by the First Amendment. The president will
appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to
investigate the "scourge of pedophobia" and to tabulate
pedophobic incidents.
The sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors
that Michael Jordan plans to retire at the end of the
season.
The Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change
the name of Ronald Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno
National Airport.
The owner of a major-league baseball team will issue
a tearful apology for suggesting that some cultures are
different from others. Mollified minority spokesmen will
retract threats to kill him.
Federal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a
hike in prime interest rates, saying, "I've always wanted
to announce a hike in prime interest rates, whatever that
means." He will reverse himself too late to prevent an
international stock market collapse, adding, "Some people
can't take a joke."
Only one live actor will be nominated for an Academy
Award. All the other movies made that year will have
starred computer-generated dinosaurs, except for those
featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
As the president and Congress celebrate a balanced
budget, the national debt reaches
$1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president
will soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all,
"We owe it to ourselves, plus a few foreign bankers."
Bob Dole will make several appearances on a
late-night talk show hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each
will remark on how well the other is aging.
On another network, Jay Leno will mark an important
milestone with his 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion
will be marred by the explosion of Leno's simmering feud
with Johnny Carson, who will scoff, "That's nothing. I
did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes."
Attorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that
the Justice Department is finally dropping its antitrust
action against Microsoft.
Congress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue
Service after IRS agents are found collecting ears of
taxpayers as trophies.
A 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported
as a war criminal.
In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court,
upholding a federal law banning slingshots, will declare
the Second Amendment unconstitutional.
A national controversy will erupt when a porn film
star, during a live White House performance, utters an
ethnic slur.
Most of the population will be glued to the
television set as Jerry Springer's historic final show is
broadcast. Special guests will include a former president
and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.
[This column was originally published by Universal Press
Syndicate May 26, 1998.]
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