WASTE YOUR VOTE
April 20, 2004
by Joe Sobran
If you don't like the choice between George W. Bush
and John Kerry, there's always me. Yes, I'm available.
I've mentioned it before, but I've put off active
campaigning because I don't want to peak too early. You
can write my name in.
But won't that be wasting your vote? No, voting for
Bush or Kerry is wasting your vote. In fact, voting
itself is wasting your vote. If by some miracle your vote
made the difference, there would be endless recounts and
the real election would be held in the courts. The mess
after the 2000 election proved that, for anyone who still
thought his vote mattered.
One economist has calculated that you have a better
chance of dying on your way to the polls than of deciding
the outcome of an election. So your vote won't make me
president.
Why, then, should you vote for me? I don't even want
the job. In fact, that's my chief qualification.
Nobody could possibly be trusted with the power of
the presidency of the United States. Only a megalomaniac
would think he deserved such power. This means that we
are doomed to be ruled by madmen. So it would be a
healthy gesture to cast your ballot for someone who would
accept that immense power (if he had any chance of
winning) only so that one of the major-party crackpots
didn't get it.
In the purely hypothetical case that I was elected,
I would take the radical approach of honoring my oath of
office and respecting the limits imposed by the U.S.
Constitution. That would mean vetoing just about every
bill that came across my desk. Which would in turn mean
that I would soon be impeached, convicted, and removed
from office.
Meanwhile, I'd try to do a little good during my
brief tenure. In order to make sure that no American
soldier should ever again die in vain, I would bring all
our troops home from every military base in the world.
Presidents always say that our fighting men (and women)
haven't died in vain, but that's always false. More than
600 have already died in vain in Iraq alone. More will
die in vain this week.
Bringing our troops home would put an end to
anti-American terrorism. Some will deny this, on grounds
that "the terrorists hate us for our freedom." I want to
put that proposition to the test by ending American
imperialism and increasing American freedom. If terrorist
attacks continue when we have chosen freedom over empire,
I will have been proved wrong.
I am a Catholic, and I would govern as a Catholic.
Most people who say they favor the separation of church
and state really want to get rid of the church. My own
view is that the best way to separate them is by, as far
as possible, getting rid of the state. This doesn't mean
I'd be taking orders from the Vatican; I wouldn't need
specific orders. I know how to apply the principles of my
faith on my own. I would, of course, be open to advice
from the Pope; I might even ask for it. But I would do
this openly, hiding nothing from my fellow Americans.
So there is my tentative agenda: restoring
constitutional government, ending the American empire,
and governing as a Catholic. My enemies would call it
"turning back the clock," "capitulating to terrorism,"
and "taking orders from the Pope." All I can say is that
we've been doing it their way for a long time now, and
they may take pride in the results if they like. I agree
with our first Catholic president: "I say we can do
better."
And we used to do better. Much better. That was
before messianic government replaced modest government,
at home and abroad. Bush, who calls himself a
conservative, speaks obsessively of "changing the world"
-- spreading democracy all over the place, fighting AIDS
in Africa, and assuming other fanciful "obligations."
He's not even content with doing good on this planet: He
also wants to put a man on Mars. We've reached the point
where we hardly pay attention: Such ballyhoo goes in one
ear and out the other.
I told you they're crazy. Everything they do is, so
to speak, in vain.
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