April 20, 2004

by Joe Sobran

     If you don't like the choice between George W. Bush 
and John Kerry, there's always me. Yes, I'm available. 
I've mentioned it before, but I've put off active 
campaigning because I don't want to peak too early. You 
can write my name in.

     But won't that be wasting your vote? No, voting for 
Bush or Kerry is wasting your vote. In fact, voting 
itself is wasting your vote. If by some miracle your vote 
made the difference, there would be endless recounts and 
the real election would be held in the courts. The mess 
after the 2000 election proved that, for anyone who still 
thought his vote mattered.

     One economist has calculated that you have a better 
chance of dying on your way to the polls than of deciding 
the outcome of an election. So your vote won't make me 

     Why, then, should you vote for me? I don't even want 
the job. In fact, that's my chief qualification.

     Nobody could possibly be trusted with the power of 
the presidency of the United States. Only a megalomaniac 
would think he deserved such power. This means that we 
are doomed to be ruled by madmen. So it would be a 
healthy gesture to cast your ballot for someone who would 
accept that immense power (if he had any chance of 
winning) only so that one of the major-party crackpots 
didn't get it.

     In the purely hypothetical case that I was elected, 
I would take the radical approach of honoring my oath of 
office and respecting the limits imposed by the U.S. 
Constitution. That would mean vetoing just about every 
bill that came across my desk. Which would in turn mean 
that I would soon be impeached, convicted, and removed 
from office.

     Meanwhile, I'd try to do a little good during my 
brief tenure. In order to make sure that no American 
soldier should ever again die in vain, I would bring all 
our troops home from every military base in the world. 
Presidents always say that our fighting men (and women) 
haven't died in vain, but that's always false. More than 
600 have already died in vain in Iraq alone. More will 
die in vain this week.

     Bringing our troops home would put an end to 
anti-American terrorism. Some will deny this, on grounds 
that "the terrorists hate us for our freedom." I want to 
put that proposition to the test by ending American 
imperialism and increasing American freedom. If terrorist 
attacks continue when we have chosen freedom over empire, 
I will have been proved wrong.

     I am a Catholic, and I would govern as a Catholic. 
Most people who say they favor the separation of church 
and state really want to get rid of the church. My own 
view is that the best way to separate them is by, as far 
as possible, getting rid of the state. This doesn't mean 
I'd be taking orders from the Vatican; I wouldn't need 
specific orders. I know how to apply the principles of my 
faith on my own. I would, of course, be open to advice 
from the Pope; I might even ask for it. But I would do 
this openly, hiding nothing from my fellow Americans.

     So there is my tentative agenda: restoring 
constitutional government, ending the American empire, 
and governing as a Catholic. My enemies would call it 
"turning back the clock," "capitulating to terrorism," 
and "taking orders from the Pope." All I can say is that 
we've been doing it their way for a long time now, and 
they may take pride in the results if they like. I agree 
with our first Catholic president: "I say we can do 

     And we used to do better. Much better. That was 
before messianic government replaced modest government, 
at home and abroad. Bush, who calls himself a 
conservative, speaks obsessively of "changing the world" 
-- spreading democracy all over the place, fighting AIDS 
in Africa, and assuming other fanciful "obligations." 
He's not even content with doing good on this planet: He 
also wants to put a man on Mars. We've reached the point 
where we hardly pay attention: Such ballyhoo goes in one 
ear and out the other.

     I told you they're crazy. Everything they do is, so 
to speak, in vain.


Read this column on-line at 

Copyright (c) 2004 by the Griffin Internet 
Syndicate, www.griffnews.com. This column may not 
be published in print or Internet publications 
without express permission of Griffin Internet 
Syndicate. You may forward it to interested 
individuals if you use this entire page, 
including the following disclaimer:

"SOBRAN'S and Joe Sobran's columns are available 
by subscription. For details and samples, see 
http://www.sobran.com/e-mail.shtml, write 
PR@griffnews.com, or call 800-513-5053."