State of the Union, Signs of the Times
July 11, 2002

by Joe Sobran

     As your president, in the event that my chain-letter 
campaign for the office succeeds, it will be my 
constitutional duty "from time to time [to] give to the 
Congress Information of the State of the Union." This 
information will include full reports on the health of 
the national pastime, and will specifically feature 
frequent updates on the progress of the baseball career 
of my grandson Joe.

     If I were giving my state of the Union speech today, 
for example, it would run more or less as follows.

     My grandson Joseph Sobran, now 15, is no longer the 
darling little gerbil who first scrambled onto a Little 
League diamond seven years ago. He is now a strapping 
170-pounder; last time I remember checking, he weighed 
about 59 pounds. He recently hit a home run an estimated 
390 feet and is perfecting an unpredictable and well-nigh 
unhittable knuckleball.

     The prospects for baseball in general, I regret to 
report, are less encouraging. Though raw talent abounds 
as never before, Major League Baseball seems determined 
to rid itself of its remaining fans.

     This last Tuesday night, the commissioner of Major 
League Baseball outraged fans by stopping the annual All-
Star Game in the eleventh inning, causing it to end in a 
frustrating 7-to-7 tie. He gave as his reason that both 
teams had run out of pitchers -- as if this weren't one 
of the possibilities a manager has to take into account 
as he makes his decisions throughout the game. Either you 
use your pitchers sparingly, or you risk having to put 
your shortstop on the mound in the late innings.

     The current season may also be interrupted by 
another strike -- leaving another indelible scar on 
baseball history. It's not as if we were in an age of 
scarcity, with sweatshop owners and workers haggling over 
the minimum wage. Players and management alike are 
millionaires, indifferent to the unseemly way they are 
redefining the very character of baseball, not to mention 
their contempt for the fans.

     Faster-moving sports -- football, basketball, even 
soccer -- have long been overtaking baseball in 
popularity. Baseball has coped by giving undue emphasis 
to the offensive game, particularly the home run that 
attracts and thrills the casual fan. This has meant 
increasing the hitter's advantage over the pitcher by 
allowing or encouraging umpires to shrink the strike zone 
without the formality of a change in the rules. As a 
result, the game is now becoming lawless.

     The unnatural frequency of home runs, however 
appealing to the casual fan who cares only for high 
scores and spectacular displays of hitting power, has 
devalued the subtler skills of pitching, fielding, 
bunting, and base-running that fascinate the serious fan. 
Witness the rise of that unspeakably vulgar contest, the 
Home Run Derby, which, if present trends continue, will 
replace nine-inning games altogether. Who needs subtlety?

     The huge profits accruing to the home run have 
spawned another evil: players are now using illegal and 
dangerous drugs -- steroids -- to increase their size and 
strength. By some estimates, half of all Major League 
players, as well as many college and even high-school 
players, are currently taking steroids. This puts all 
other players under pressure to use steroids too, or risk 
being literally dwarfed by the competition. The players 
are already starting to look like freaks with bulging 
arms and heads.

     It also means that baseball's most venerable records 
-- its statistics -- are being devalued too. New, 
steroid-enhanced records are being set. Is this fair to 
the great players of the past, who achieved their records 
without chemical assistance? Should the new marks carry 
asterisks, signifying that they were set in the steroid 
era?

     Finally, the body of the late Ted Williams has been 
cryogenically frozen by order of his son, who has 
hitherto been content to sell his father's autographs. 
Relatives charge that the son plans to sell his father's 
DNA, possibly with a view to future cloning.

     This bizarre development is not the fault of Major 
League Baseball, but it is nevertheless a disturbing sign 
of the times. If modern science can find a way to fuse 
Ted Williams's DNA with steroids, then a generation from 
now, instead of baseball as we have known it, we may see 
countless seven-foot, hypermuscular Ted Williamses 
competing in endless Home Run Derbies.

     A lot of good Joe Sobran's knuckleball will do him 
then!

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